It's fine. Aisaka-san's had too much excitement today, I think. We'll be back soon.
[ To which, there may be slight pleasantries, but ultimately... Ryoko does just want to talk to Fauna on her own. Taiga's too tired to deal with much else right now. ]
[She opens her mouth. She wants to continue. She almost just blurts out what happened.
... But then she wouldn't have learned anything. Taiga ran off, because Fauna was careless. Ryoko had to clean up after Fauna's mess, to help Taiga, because Fauna couldn't stop herself from trying to just force the issue.
If she just told Ryoko.... Then she'd just be repeating her mistakes.]
I think... more than that is Taiga's place to say, not mine....
[ The poor girl needed some well deserved rest after they cried their eyes out. ]
Um... if she said anything bad... I mean. Aisaka-san is a sweet girl, she just lets her emotions get the better of herself sometimes. I promise, she's nice.
[ The question blindsides her, and she nearly forgets to breathe for a moment. How does she feel... as if she hadn't just been emotionally raw with Taiga earlier, telling her why they knew each other, telling her that she never wanted to be apart from her again.
It was embarrassing, it didn't feel good... and with Fauna looking at her, it felt dangerous. ]
[ ...but. She owes it to Fauna to be honest. If she was going to be in a relationship with this woman, she had to put everything on the table, no matter how much it hurt.
She owed it to both of them to untangle all of this. ]
Mm... [ She closes her eyes. ]
When I started as a magi... I didn't think I would last long. I felt so out of place, like I didn't belong there, and all I would do is keep screwing up. I was actually captured the first time I faced a much larger Nightmare, you know. I had no reason to keep myself safe, and no actual reason to feel like I had to learn.
Then, I met Aisaka-san. I'll be honest... I didn't like her at first. I thought she came across as a rude, ungrateful child who had gotten in over her head. Cursing at me, pretending I didn't exist, not showing any appreciation... but, I could tell immediately that she was just as terrified as I was.
[ It had been a long time, hadn't it? Since they first battled a Nightmare. Ryoko slowing down one of the familiars to leave Taiga to deal with it herself, Taiga smashing it to bits, swiveling around and calling her a bitch. Walking away without showing any gratitude, even forgetting her name-- and finally as Ryoko decided to give up.
Thanks for helping, Ryoko. ]
The next month, there was a giant flood. Aisaka-san was planning to stay in her home, but I insisted on bringing her where everyone else was. I knew I was being too pushy towards someone that I barely knew, but I felt it would be better for us to know she was safe. When the flood got too bad and we all wound up outside... I had to save her. [ A brief laugh. ] It's the first time she got mad at me for putting someone else's life before mine.
I could go on and on, but... I looked at her as someone I needed to protect after that. Aisaka-san finally gave me a purpose as a magi, and became someone I could talk to when I hurt, someone I could rely on if I needed to clean my gem... someone I could enjoy a normal life with, until it came time for us to pretend to be magical girls.
[ Ah. Waterworks again. ]
I hurt her a lot by being stupid, and we'd talk it out and cry together. I'd keep her safe, and worry her by trying to keep a group of people who couldn't stand each other together. When the worst days came, she tried her hardest to pull me together, to remind me to take care of myself. Then... we fought a powerful witch. All of our strongest were out for a moment, and I thought I had to step up. I got... really badly hurt, and would have died then and there had Aisaka-san not knocked me out of the way. Even then, my wounds were too deep, and I was done for anyway.
[ "You've done enough. You don't... you don't need to do more." ]
But... I'd seen enough of my friends die that day. I didn't think I had done enough... and selfishly, I had her help me help everyone. In exchange, she found someone to heal me and... she protected me until it was over. When I think about it... Aisaka-san saved my life twice. She's such a kind girl, someone who doesn't deserve anything that Nyoi-cho put her through. Someone who doesn't deserve anything I've put her through. She tries her hardest to keep herself together, but always supports me when I need it. She's someone I can relax around, I can poke fun of from time to time, and I know that no matter what... even if we get mad at each other, even if one of us hurts the other, we'll still make up in the end.
[ Her tears won't stop, and her heart hurts. Saying this to someone that she cares so much for, that she knows she's going to potentially hurt when she speaks again, it's scary. ]
Isn't... isn't it stupid of me?
What kind of person tells their girlfriend that they fell in love with their precious friend?
[Fauna listens. And she can feel a pit forming in her stomach, her guts twisting up inside.
She knew this answer was coming. Of course she did- She could tell from the start how much Taiga and Ryoko love each other.]
It's- It's okay. I could kind of... I could tell, so...
[She won't cry. She can't. She can't hurt Ryoko worse. She can't let herself cry- She can't let Ryoko see those tears forming at her eyes, she can't be weak, she can't-
But she can't stop it. She told Taiga she wasn't just going to back off- She's selfish, she wants to be with Ryoko. But hearing it like this in front of her.... It's like a knife into her heart. She knows how important they both are to each other... and that they loved each other long before Fauna entered the picture. How cruel would it be to force herself in between them now?
She needs to back off. She needs to be mature, to back off, to leave Ryoko so Taiga can be where she belongs. She was never really the one Ryoko wanted. She knows that. The past month has been like a dream, where Fauna was finally permitted to love and be loved... but dreams come to an end, don't they?
She turns away, trying to hide her tears. It's time to end the dream. It's time to put things right- to not cause problems for anyone else. She's strong. She's always been alone. She can handle it. She has to.]
It's okay. You- You should... be with her instead....
[ Even with that admission, finally able to come out... she was expecting for Fauna to be mad. To believe she was lying to her this whole time. She was expecting the worst.
...and somehow... she wanted to step out of the way? ]
[Fauna stops. She doesn't turn around- She can't bring herself to look. If she does, she might break down. And she can't break down. She has to keep going- She can't make things harder for Ryoko.]
What do you mean...?
[Hope blooms in her heart, but she tries to quash it down. She knows- Nothing is more dangerous than hope.]
[ Life wasn't that simple. Ryoko had thought, she'd never see Taiga again. Her last memories were thinking of her as someone irreplaceable, someone she'd grown too close to. Before she arrived, and she had time to think, she kept thinking. It was the same kind of love that she felt before her wish.
Even when realizing that was wrong-- she'd never see her again. And now that she's back, she just thinks. ]
It wouldn't be fair. Not to either of you.
[ Ryoko can feel her voice quiver, terrified that she's ruining another relationship. She's ruining her own now. ]
I don't want her to feel like she's in the way, and... and I...
[ Shaking, just a bit-- ]
I don't... want either of you to feel replaced... or like you're replacing someone else.
[ She's louder than she'd like, her stress and frustration finally catching up to her. It wasn't on Fauna, it was the long line that she put herself through, the emotional burdens she decided to accept on her shoulders... and at the end, was the one she shared first and foremost. ]
I'm with you because I want to be! It's not a question of what I'd rather do!
Please, for the love of god, please accept that I'm at fault here!
Please... [ Her voice gets quiet. ] Please, Yayoi... I don't want to be selfish. I'm not going to leave you like this. It'd hurt Aisaka-san too, if she split us up.
[She jumps. She hadn't expected Ryoko of all people to be loud. Ryoko, of all people...
... Was she hurting her even now? When she tried to help?
Of course she was. What she needed to do now wasn't back off... it was to listen, and trust Ryoko.]
I...
[She wavers.]
I... want to be selfish. I want to hold onto you and never let go, I'm- I want to be with you, but... I'm scared of not being good enough, and...
[It all comes out at once. She can't stop her mouth. All her feelings, all her thoughts, all her fears.]
I want to be selfish and stay with you, even if it means Taiga can't, and I'm scared of my own selfishness that way...
But I can't accept... you being at fault. You've only ever tried to do everything you can for other people! It's not... it's not right that you're hurting over that...
[ Ryoko covers her face momentarily, trying to recompose herself. It has been a wildly taxing 24 hours, and she wants to burrow away for a while.
But she can't just hide away... ]
I don't... I don't know what you two spoke about, but... I don't think Aisaka-san sees me that way. We're friends, but I don't think she's ever really... I don't think she's seen me beyond anything like that.
Even right now, I don't know if I really know what that "love" is. If it's something I felt because I missed her... or if it's because she reminds me so much of my friend from home.
I can't choose to be with her, because if I'm wrong, it'll crush her. And I can't do that to her.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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Mmmm.
We should talk, yeah. I don't really know what's going on.
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sorry if that was weird
ill be here then
id offer to pick you up but i dont think taiga likes my bike
and i cant carry two people on it anyway
[she's just, assuming, ryoko and taiga are still together]
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[ To which, there may be slight pleasantries, but ultimately... Ryoko does just want to talk to Fauna on her own. Taiga's too tired to deal with much else right now. ]
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[true to fauna's word, when ryoko arrives, fauna's just.... there. Waiting. Leaning against her bike.]
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Sorry. I guess today really did take a lot out of her.
[ Not to say that Ryoko herself wasn't dead tired, but she'll handle that herself. ]
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[Fauna's fidgeting, clearly nervous.]
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[ Taking part of the blame, as always. ]
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[Fauna knows she deserves the full blame here, and she's not going to let Ryoko start to blame herself for Fauna's mistakes.]
I'm the one who messed up here.
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[ She was waiting for someone to come back! ]
...um... what happened? Did you two fight?
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[She opens her mouth. She wants to continue. She almost just blurts out what happened.
... But then she wouldn't have learned anything. Taiga ran off, because Fauna was careless. Ryoko had to clean up after Fauna's mess, to help Taiga, because Fauna couldn't stop herself from trying to just force the issue.
If she just told Ryoko.... Then she'd just be repeating her mistakes.]
I think... more than that is Taiga's place to say, not mine....
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[ The poor girl needed some well deserved rest after they cried their eyes out. ]
Um... if she said anything bad... I mean. Aisaka-san is a sweet girl, she just lets her emotions get the better of herself sometimes. I promise, she's nice.
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[Fauna isn't even thinking about the punching each other thing anymore.]
... Hey, Ryoko? How... do you feel about Taiga...?
1/3
[ The question blindsides her, and she nearly forgets to breathe for a moment. How does she feel... as if she hadn't just been emotionally raw with Taiga earlier, telling her why they knew each other, telling her that she never wanted to be apart from her again.
It was embarrassing, it didn't feel good... and with Fauna looking at her, it felt dangerous. ]
That, that's kind of--
[ ... ]
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She owed it to both of them to untangle all of this. ]
Mm... [ She closes her eyes. ]
When I started as a magi... I didn't think I would last long. I felt so out of place, like I didn't belong there, and all I would do is keep screwing up. I was actually captured the first time I faced a much larger Nightmare, you know. I had no reason to keep myself safe, and no actual reason to feel like I had to learn.
Then, I met Aisaka-san. I'll be honest... I didn't like her at first. I thought she came across as a rude, ungrateful child who had gotten in over her head. Cursing at me, pretending I didn't exist, not showing any appreciation... but, I could tell immediately that she was just as terrified as I was.
[ It had been a long time, hadn't it? Since they first battled a Nightmare. Ryoko slowing down one of the familiars to leave Taiga to deal with it herself, Taiga smashing it to bits, swiveling around and calling her a bitch. Walking away without showing any gratitude, even forgetting her name-- and finally as Ryoko decided to give up.
Thanks for helping, Ryoko. ]
The next month, there was a giant flood. Aisaka-san was planning to stay in her home, but I insisted on bringing her where everyone else was. I knew I was being too pushy towards someone that I barely knew, but I felt it would be better for us to know she was safe. When the flood got too bad and we all wound up outside... I had to save her. [ A brief laugh. ] It's the first time she got mad at me for putting someone else's life before mine.
I could go on and on, but... I looked at her as someone I needed to protect after that. Aisaka-san finally gave me a purpose as a magi, and became someone I could talk to when I hurt, someone I could rely on if I needed to clean my gem... someone I could enjoy a normal life with, until it came time for us to pretend to be magical girls.
[ Ah. Waterworks again. ]
I hurt her a lot by being stupid, and we'd talk it out and cry together. I'd keep her safe, and worry her by trying to keep a group of people who couldn't stand each other together. When the worst days came, she tried her hardest to pull me together, to remind me to take care of myself. Then... we fought a powerful witch. All of our strongest were out for a moment, and I thought I had to step up. I got... really badly hurt, and would have died then and there had Aisaka-san not knocked me out of the way. Even then, my wounds were too deep, and I was done for anyway.
[ "You've done enough. You don't... you don't need to do more." ]
But... I'd seen enough of my friends die that day. I didn't think I had done enough... and selfishly, I had her help me help everyone. In exchange, she found someone to heal me and... she protected me until it was over. When I think about it... Aisaka-san saved my life twice. She's such a kind girl, someone who doesn't deserve anything that Nyoi-cho put her through. Someone who doesn't deserve anything I've put her through. She tries her hardest to keep herself together, but always supports me when I need it. She's someone I can relax around, I can poke fun of from time to time, and I know that no matter what... even if we get mad at each other, even if one of us hurts the other, we'll still make up in the end.
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[ Her tears won't stop, and her heart hurts. Saying this to someone that she cares so much for, that she knows she's going to potentially hurt when she speaks again, it's scary. ]
Isn't... isn't it stupid of me?
What kind of person tells their girlfriend that they fell in love with their precious friend?
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She knew this answer was coming. Of course she did- She could tell from the start how much Taiga and Ryoko love each other.]
It's- It's okay. I could kind of... I could tell, so...
[She won't cry. She can't. She can't hurt Ryoko worse. She can't let herself cry- She can't let Ryoko see those tears forming at her eyes, she can't be weak, she can't-
But she can't stop it. She told Taiga she wasn't just going to back off- She's selfish, she wants to be with Ryoko. But hearing it like this in front of her.... It's like a knife into her heart. She knows how important they both are to each other... and that they loved each other long before Fauna entered the picture. How cruel would it be to force herself in between them now?
She needs to back off. She needs to be mature, to back off, to leave Ryoko so Taiga can be where she belongs. She was never really the one Ryoko wanted. She knows that. The past month has been like a dream, where Fauna was finally permitted to love and be loved... but dreams come to an end, don't they?
She turns away, trying to hide her tears. It's time to end the dream. It's time to put things right- to not cause problems for anyone else. She's strong. She's always been alone. She can handle it. She has to.]
It's okay. You- You should... be with her instead....
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[ Even with that admission, finally able to come out... she was expecting for Fauna to be mad. To believe she was lying to her this whole time. She was expecting the worst.
...and somehow... she wanted to step out of the way? ]
Fauna--
[ Ryoko hesitates, but takes a step forward. ]
I don't-- it won't be like that. It can't be.
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[Fauna stops. She doesn't turn around- She can't bring herself to look. If she does, she might break down. And she can't break down. She has to keep going- She can't make things harder for Ryoko.]
What do you mean...?
[Hope blooms in her heart, but she tries to quash it down. She knows- Nothing is more dangerous than hope.]
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Even when realizing that was wrong-- she'd never see her again. And now that she's back, she just thinks. ]
It wouldn't be fair. Not to either of you.
[ Ryoko can feel her voice quiver, terrified that she's ruining another relationship. She's ruining her own now. ]
I don't want her to feel like she's in the way, and... and I...
[ Shaking, just a bit-- ]
I don't... want either of you to feel replaced... or like you're replacing someone else.
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[Fauna's voice shakes. She's scared. What if she's messing everything up again? What if she's messing everything up just by being there?
She'd been told before What a mistake it was that she was ever even born. What if that was right...?]
Then what... should we do? I don't want... to force you to stay with me if you would rather... be with her, and...
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[ She's louder than she'd like, her stress and frustration finally catching up to her. It wasn't on Fauna, it was the long line that she put herself through, the emotional burdens she decided to accept on her shoulders... and at the end, was the one she shared first and foremost. ]
I'm with you because I want to be! It's not a question of what I'd rather do!
Please, for the love of god, please accept that I'm at fault here!
Please... [ Her voice gets quiet. ] Please, Yayoi... I don't want to be selfish. I'm not going to leave you like this. It'd hurt Aisaka-san too, if she split us up.
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... Was she hurting her even now? When she tried to help?
Of course she was. What she needed to do now wasn't back off... it was to listen, and trust Ryoko.]
I...
[She wavers.]
I... want to be selfish. I want to hold onto you and never let go, I'm- I want to be with you, but... I'm scared of not being good enough, and...
[It all comes out at once. She can't stop her mouth. All her feelings, all her thoughts, all her fears.]
I want to be selfish and stay with you, even if it means Taiga can't, and I'm scared of my own selfishness that way...
But I can't accept... you being at fault. You've only ever tried to do everything you can for other people! It's not... it's not right that you're hurting over that...
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But she can't just hide away... ]
I don't... I don't know what you two spoke about, but... I don't think Aisaka-san sees me that way. We're friends, but I don't think she's ever really... I don't think she's seen me beyond anything like that.
Even right now, I don't know if I really know what that "love" is. If it's something I felt because I missed her... or if it's because she reminds me so much of my friend from home.
I can't choose to be with her, because if I'm wrong, it'll crush her. And I can't do that to her.
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.... right? It is, right? Suddenly, she second-guesses herself. Maybe... Did she just jump to conclusions?]
I don't know either, but...
Ugh, why is this so confusing?!
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...just... all we can do is take it one step at a time. Aisaka-san doesn't want to be left out, but I know she doesn't want to get in the way either.
Don't worry. I'm here with you right now, and I know in my heart, I still want to be with you. So... don't think that I'll let you go either, okay?
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